Well, it’s safe to say that the Week 1 was a total disaster. I just ate and ate and ate, and didn’t move a muscle. And more I ate, more depressed I felt. And more depressed I felt, more angrier I felt at myself for being such a loser. I know – all very helpful. I have been doing this same thing for so many years. Sometimes I have some success but then the relapse happens again. I know that food is my addiction. I find comfort from it. It numbs my pain.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of being in control. The food controls me, and I feel so out of control, and this scares me. I’ve been thinking what it would be like to just let go, and accept the fact that it is ok not to feel in control all the time. Just to accept that I can only control right this moment. I felt very emotional last night whilst thinking about this. Just let it go… Take each moment as it comes… Only this moment matters…
So, I have started this new day with those thoughts. I have had to remind myself 100s of times to just stop and enjoy this moment and not worry about the rest of the day. Difficult, that’s for sure, but let’s see how it goes.
Today’s measurements are: weight 127.6kg, BMI 42.6, fat 48.1%, and muscle 23.7%.
Today is a new day. But let’s break that down. This moment is a new moment.
Time to go for a walk and get some fresh air.
UPDATE: So, I went for a walk. Hooray!!! Feel better about it. I’m so glad I did. Now I sit on the sofa wondering what to eat. This is the problem. I suppose when I get bored, I just want to eat. I had an apple when I got back from the walk. That should keep me going for another hour. I’m trying to drink lots of water but it tends to get a bit boring after a while. And then comes the dilemma of what to have for lunch. The healthy part of my brain says have some soup, and the addict part of my brain says that toast with spread is a lovely idea. How on earth am I gonna stay away from the toast. I wanna cut down the carbs hence the soup would be a better idea. But hey, maybe I don’t need to worry about it now. Maybe I just sit here, and enjoy this moment. … pause … well, that didn’t work too well. I just keep thinking of food. I know what my therapist would say to me right now – stay with those uncomfortable feelings, it’s ok to feel vulnerable, take deep breaths. … pause …