From Fatness to Fitness 2017

Day 1

For so long I have been severely overweight, and it’s really bothering me big time. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I want to be healthy and happy, and be able to do things I haven’t been able to do for decades. I have started so many diets, and every Monday, or the 1st day of the month, I start a new one. It might last a day, a half a day, a week, and then I relapse again. I don’t exercise; I mainly eat and watch telly. And this is what I want to stop. I want to be active. But I often have this voice in my head that says ‘I can’t be bothered’. It seems to be very difficult to shut it up.

I would like to lose 45kg. I know that’s a massive task, but I need to start from somewhere, so if I could just lose one kilo at the time, I’m sure I could reach the 45 mark at some point. But what’s different this time? I don’t know. I’m not sure I feel any more determined than before. How long will it last this time? A day? Half a day?

Tomorrow morning I shall do the measurements, and go to the gym.

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Week 3 – Thursday 

Yesterday went relatively well in the end. Managed to stick to the healthy eating, and managed to stay below my 1300kcal post. Yay! I didn’t exercise as much as I had hoped for but went for a 45-minute walk with the dog which is better than nothing. 

I’m currently enjoying my healthy smoothy. And I’m also facing this dilemma – I want to watch telly but I need to chop some wood. Hmm. I know which one would be a better option. Decisions, decisions. Updates later. 

Week 3 – Wednesday 

Well well well. Here we are again. 1st day of the month, so as a typical addict, today is a great day to restart. The morning didn’t go to the plans. Didn’t get early enough to go to the gym. But will try to go this evening. I had a healthy breakfast – smoothy with almond milk, Greek yoghurt, red grapefruit, clementine, and banana.

I’m really struggling with this constant tiredness. I could sleep endlessly. Lack of exercise? Lack of vit D?

Anyway, I’ll post the measurements later today, and give you more updates.

UPDATE: Nice walk with the dog, and having my lunch now. Salad with pepper, carrot, cucumber, turkey meat and fat-free dressing. Met up with my friend earlier, and I managed to avoid all the temptations. Proud of myself. I wasn’t even tempted. Let’s see what the evening brings.

UPDATE: Man, I’ve been fancying pancakes this evening. And now that I’m sitting in the lounge, I’m really craving for chocolate. These are the danger times for me. I had a healthy supper – tuscan bean soup, ryvita rye break with turkey slices. I might fill up with a protein shake this evening, and just keep drinking water. Haven’t managed to go to the gym. Finding all the lame excuses. I don’t understand why I have this massive barrier. Yes, one of the staff members has a very big mouth, and keeps telling your stories to others, and others’ stories to you. And I find this so uncomfortable. I can’t trust her. I know this can’t be the reason why not to go.

Week 2 – Wednesday

Well, it’s safe to say that the Week 1 was a total disaster. I just ate and ate and ate, and didn’t move a muscle. And more I ate, more depressed I felt. And more depressed I felt, more angrier I felt at myself for being such a loser. I know – all very helpful. I have been doing this same thing for so many years. Sometimes I have some success but then the relapse happens again. I know that food is my addiction. I find comfort from it. It numbs my pain.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of being in control. The food controls me, and I feel so out of control, and this scares me. I’ve been thinking what it would be like to just let go, and accept the fact that it is ok not to feel in control all the time. Just to accept that I can only control right this moment. I felt very emotional last night whilst thinking about this. Just let it go… Take each moment as it comes… Only this moment matters…

So, I have started this new day with those thoughts. I have had to remind myself 100s of times to just stop and enjoy this moment and not worry about the rest of the day. Difficult, that’s for sure, but let’s see how it goes.

Today’s measurements are: weight 127.6kg, BMI 42.6, fat 48.1%, and muscle 23.7%.

Today is a new day. But let’s break that down. This moment is a new moment.

Time to go for a walk and get some fresh air.

UPDATE: So, I went for a walk. Hooray!!! Feel better about it. I’m so glad I did. Now I sit on the sofa wondering what to eat. This is the problem. I suppose when I get bored, I just want to eat. I had an apple when I got back from the walk. That should keep me going for another hour. I’m trying to drink lots of water but it tends to get a bit boring after a while. And then comes the dilemma of what to have for lunch. The healthy part of my brain says have some soup, and the addict part of my brain says that toast with spread is a lovely idea. How on earth am I gonna stay away from the toast. I wanna cut down the carbs hence the soup would be a better idea. But hey, maybe I don’t need to worry about it now. Maybe I just sit here, and enjoy this moment. … pause … well, that didn’t work too well. I just keep thinking of food. I know what my therapist would say to me right now – stay with those uncomfortable feelings, it’s ok to feel vulnerable, take deep breaths. … pause … 

Day 2 – Measurements 

OMG! Why is it so depressing when you jump on the scale? Weight 128kg, BMI 42.8, fat % 48.3, and muscle % 23.6. So, this is the starting point. I will not allow this to get any worse. No more! Even though the voice in my head is saying ‘Who cares’. Let the battle commence!!!

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